Quotes



1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”

22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos.


# Sign on a railway station at Patna :
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.

# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Mumbai :
Don’t whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!

# Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.

# Sign at a barber’s saloon in Juhu, Mumbai :
we need your heads to run our business.

# A traffic slogan:
Don’t let your kids drive if they are not old enough – or else they never will be…..

#THE BEST ONE :
Its God’s responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It’s our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god.”
– Indian Armed Forces -


“A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and honest people are screwed first.”

“Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous.”

“The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. ! It will destroy you.”

“There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no Friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth.”

“Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions – Why am I doing it, what the results might be and will I be successful. Only when you think deeply and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead.”

“As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it.”

“Once you start working on something, don’t be afraid of failure and don’t abandon it. People who work sincerely are the happiest.”

“The fragrance of flowers spreads only in the direction of the wind. But the goodness of a person spreads in all direction.”

“Whores don’t live in company of poor men, citizens never support a weak company and birds don’t build nests on a tree that doesn’t bear fruits.”

“God is not present in idols. Your feelings are your god. The soul is your temple.”

“A man is great by deeds, not by birth.”

“Never make friends with people who are above or below you in status. Such friendships will never give you any happiness.”

“Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. For the next five years, scold them. By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend. Your grown up children are your best friends.”

“Books are as useful to a stupid person as a mirror is useful to a blind person.”

“Education is the best friend. An educated person is respected everywhere. Education beats the beauty and the youth.”


1. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

2.Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

3. Divorce: Future tense of marriage

4. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”.

6.Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power. ..

9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic: books which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist: A person who sta rts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”

24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father: A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest… Except that he got caught.

28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after?

30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.


ORIGINAL QUOTE

If you love someone,
Set him free… If he comes back, he’s yours, If he doesn’t, he never was….

THE NEW VERSIONS…..

Pessimist
If you love someone,
Set him free… If he ever comes back, he’s yours, If he doesn’t, as expected, he never was.

Optimist
If you love someone,
Set him free… Don’t worry, he will come back.

Suspicious
If you love someone,
Set him free… If he ever comes back, ask him why.

Impatient
If you love someone,
Set him free… If he doesn’t come back within some time forget him.

Patient
If you love someone,
Set him free… If he doesn’t come back, continue to wait. until he comes back…

Playful
If you love someone,
Set him free… *If he comes back, and if you love him still, set him free again, repeat*

Animal-Rights Activist
If you love someone,
Set him free, In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers
If you love someone,
Set him free, Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

Bill Gates
If you love someone,
Set him free, If he comes back, I think we can charge him for re-installation fees but tell him that he’s also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist
If you love someone,
Set him free, He’ll evolve.

b
If you love someone,
Set him free, If he loves you, the probability of him coming back is high If he doesn’t, your relation was improbable anyway.

Over possessive person
If you love someone,
don’t set him free.

HR specialist
If you love someone,
set him free by offering him VRS and other benefits. Then outsource him!!!


THE FOLLOWING IS A CHINESE GOOD LUCK TANTRA TOTEM.
You may not believe in this but the advice is great!
Read all the way down, you might learn something!!!

ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE.
Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR.
When you say, “I love you”, mean it.

FIVE.
When you say, “I’m sorry”, look the person in the eye.

SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.

ELEVEN.
Don’t judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN.
When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to
know?”

FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN.
Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN.
When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R’s:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN.
Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN.
When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone.
The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY ONE.
Spend some time alone.


Some Good Old Sayings

Really Nice…..

* There are some things that money can’t buy. For everything else, my salary isn’t sufficient!!

* I try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

* They can’t fire me, slaves have to be sold.

* Home is where the television is.

* Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

* Death is hereditary.

* Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

* Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

* When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

* Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

* Well done is better than well said.

* Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

* You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

* I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

* If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

* Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.

* The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.

* Where there’s a will there are five hundred relatives.

* I have a drinking problem – I can’t afford it.

* Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go Wrong that one can’t blame on the government.

* There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

* An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound Confusing.

And finally

* Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

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