Humors



I Lost my wife : (Ladies should read not to be missed)

A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:

Man: I lost my wife (misty)

Inspector: what is her height

Man; I never noticed

Inspectior:slim or healthy

Man: not slim can be healthy

Inspector: colour of eyes

Man: Never noticed

Inspector: colour of hair

Man: changes according to season

Inspector: what was she wearing

Man: Saree/suit/ I dont remember exactly

Inspector:was somebody with her ?????????


Man: Yes








my Labra dog (romeo)





tied with a golden chain

height 30 inches

healthy,

blue eyes,

blackish brown hair

his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken

he never barks

wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls

he likes non veg food

we sleep together

we eat together

we jog together

we___________________&

the man started crying








Inspector: Lets search the dog first !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Advertisements

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”

22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos.


HONESTY IS STILL THE BEST POLICY

Once a general manager wanted to test his people who had come from all over India, about their values of life.

He announced that in their seminar folder, there is PVC pouch and in it there is a seed. When they return ,

they must put it in a good soil in a pot and look after it very well.

He would hold a competition in the next year’s seminar and that the best plants would be awarded suitably.

Everyone did what was told to him. A year passed quickly. And next year in a big hall, there were hundreds of

pots and a great variety of plants-a great scene.

Except one pot in which the soil was there and no plant! The owner was standing quietly and seemingly ashamed

of himself!

The general manager called him on the stage. He asked him what happened and he told him the truth. He planted

the seed which he was given – and did that was to be done- but nothing happened!

The general manager declared him the winner!

Everyone was shocked. It was announced, “Gentlemen! The seeds I gave you were boiled seeds. You planted them

and nothing happened! You acted smartly and used some other seeds.

This man was honest to his work and, therefore he did not cheat me or himself!”


Why are Indian husbands called “MADE OF SILVER”

And

Why are American husbands called “MADE OF GOLD”

Socho

|
|
|
|
|
|
|

|
|
|
|
|
|
|

Thoda sur Socho

|
|
|
|
|
|
Socho Socho….

|
|
|
|
|
|

Nahi Aata

|
|
|
|
|
|
|

B
C
o
z

Indian wives call their husband “A g” ( Scientific Symbol for Silver)

American wives call their husband “A u” ( Scientific Symbol for Gold)


In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter. The salesperson, a young
boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man

insisted on buying only 1/2 kg. So the boy went inside to the
manager’s room and said “An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of

butter”. To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the

boy added immediately, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other
half!!!!!!”.
After the customer left, the manager said “You have saved your
position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come
from?”. To this the boy said, “I come from Mexico. The place consists

of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!”.
The manager replied coldly, “My wife is also from Mexico”.
To this the boy asked excitedly, “Oh yeah? Which team does she play
for?”

Hows that????? Believe in your presence of mind and never
panic!!!!!!!!


Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication

engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had

never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an

admission into it ..

What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in

12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college.

But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I can not

invest so much of money”.(The baap actually said – “I

will never waste so much of money on you”). So I had to join this

college. Frankly speaking this name – BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the
most

be

related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete

your engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But

you know, these cricket matches and football

world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate.

So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took

4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I

will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good,

thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think

they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be

banned.

Candidate: No, no… I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never

thought I would complete it. In fact, when i

flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus

corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’

education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms

have you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my

current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my
platform

then. As you can see I have

experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in

Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet

in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a

higher version than VB. I heard very soon they

are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the

language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is – most of th! e

times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd.

Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining

BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know

Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to

dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And

very important – I know few words like –

‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hotfixes’,

‘SEI-CMM’,’quality’,’versioncontrol’,’deadlines’ , ‘Customer

Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.

1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.

2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not

have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.

3. I believe in flexi-timings.

4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear

t-shirt and jeans.

5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so

as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.

6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term

preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer

US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is
Olympics

coming up in

China in the current year, I don’t mind

going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t

have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our

organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to

INFOSYS.

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’
in

the HRD of Infosys.


If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it’s your stupidity.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

I was born intelligent –
education ruined me.
………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Practice makes perfect…..
But nobody’s perfect….. .
so why practice?

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

If it’s true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Money is not everything.
There’s Mastercard & Visa.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

“Your future depends on your dreams”
So go to sleep

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

“Hard work never killed anybody”
But why take the risk

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

“Work fascinates me”
I can look at it for hours

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station….

what more can I say……..

Next Page »