On the Ground.That’s me



A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco. “Mom and Dad, I’m coming home, but I’ve a favor to ask. I have a friend I’d like to bring home with me.” “Sure,” they replied, “we’d love to meet him.” “There’s something you should know the son continued, “he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mine and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live.” “No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us.” “Son,” said the father, “you don’t know what you’re asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can’t let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He’ll find a way to live on his own.” At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn’t know, their son had only one arm and one leg.
The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to Love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don’t like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren’t as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are.
Thankfully, there’s someone who won’t treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional
love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are. Tonight, before you
tuck yourself in for the night, say a little prayer that God will give you the strength you need to accept
people as they are, and to help us all be more understanding of those who are different from us!!!
There’s a miracle called Friendship that dwells in the heart you don’t know how it happens or when it
gets started but you know the special lift It always brings And you realize that Friendship Is God’s most
precious gift! Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed
they lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.


Why are Indian husbands called “MADE OF SILVER”

And

Why are American husbands called “MADE OF GOLD”

Socho

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Thoda sur Socho

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Socho Socho….

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Nahi Aata

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B
C
o
z

Indian wives call their husband “A g” ( Scientific Symbol for Silver)

American wives call their husband “A u” ( Scientific Symbol for Gold)


Our Birth is our Opening Balance!

Our Death is our Closing Balance!

Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities

Our Creative Ideas are our Assets

Heart is our Current Asset

Soul is our Fixed Asset

Brain is our Fixed Deposit

*Thinking is our Current Account

Achievements are our Capital

Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade* *

Friends** are our General Reserves

Values & Behavior are our Goodwill **

Patience** is our Interest Earned

Love is our Dividend

Children are our Bonus Issues

Education is Brands / Patents **

Knowledge is our Investment**

Experience is our Premium Account

The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.

The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.

Some very Good and Very bad things …

The most destructive habit……. ……… ……Worry **

The greatest Joy……… ……… ……… ….Giving **

The greatest loss…….Loss of self-respect **

The most satisfying work…….. …….Helping others

The ugliest personality trait……. ……Selfishnes s

The most endangered species….. ….Dedicated leaders **

Our greatest natural resource…. ……… ..Our youth

The greatest ’shot in the arm’…….. ..Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome…. ……… ….**Fear**

The most effective sleeping pill…….. Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease….. …….**Excuses

The most powerful force in life…….. ……… ..Love **

The most dangerous pariah…… ..**A gossip**

The world’s most incredible computer…. ….**The brain**

The worst thing to be without….. ……… ….. Hope

The deadliest weapon…… ……… ……..The tongue **

The two most power-filled words……. ……… ‘I Can’ **

The greatest asset……. ……… ……… ……Faith

The most worthless emotion….. ……… ….Self- pity

The most beautiful attire…… ……… …….SMILE! **

The most prized possession.. ……… …..Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication. ….Prayer **

The most contagious spirit…… ……… …Enthusiasm **

The most important thing in life…….. ……… .GOD**

Life ends; when you stop Dreaming,
Hope ends; when you stop Believing,
Love ends; when you stop Caring,
And Friendship ends; when you stop Sharing**… !!!*

*take care…….


Piece of Cake…?

Sometimes we ask ourselves: What did I do to deserve this?

Why does God let these things happen to me?

Here is the explanation…

A daughter tells her mother how everything is going wrong for her;
She probably failed her Math exam,

…Her boyfriend just dumped her… for her best friend.

In times so sad, a good mother knows just the thing to cheer up her daughter… “I make a delicious cake.” In that moment themother hugged her daughter and walked her to the kitchen, while her daughter attempted to smile.

While the mother prepared the utencils and ingredients, her daughter sat across from her at the counter. Her mother asks,
“Sweetheart, would you like a piece of cake?”
Her daughter replies, “Sure,mom, you know how I love cake.”

“Alright…” the mother
said, “Drink some of this cooking oil.” Shocked, the daughter responded,
“What?!? No way!!!

“How about a couple of raw eggs?”
To this the daughter responded, “Are you kidding?”

“How about a little flour?” “No, mom, I’ll be sick!”

The mother responded,
“All of these things are uncooked and taste bad, but if you put them together…

…They make a delicious cake!”

God works the same way. When we ask ourselves why does he make us go through these difficult times, we don’t realize the what/where these events may bring us. Only He knows and he will not let us fall.
We don’t need to settle for the raw ingredients, trust in Him… And see something fantastic come about!

God loves us so much…
He send us flowers every spring…

…He makes the sun rise every morning…

… And anytime you need to talk… He is there to listen!

He can live anywhere in the universe…
But He choses to live in your heart!

Send this message to those you truly appreciate…
I did, and I hope your day is a “Piece of Cake”!

Have a Great Cake!
Oops!
I mean a Great DAY!


Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication

engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had

never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an

admission into it ..

What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in

12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college.

But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I can not

invest so much of money”.(The baap actually said – “I

will never waste so much of money on you”). So I had to join this

college. Frankly speaking this name – BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the
most

be

related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete

your engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But

you know, these cricket matches and football

world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate.

So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took

4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I

will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good,

thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think

they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be

banned.

Candidate: No, no… I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never

thought I would complete it. In fact, when i

flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus

corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’

education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms

have you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my

current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my
platform

then. As you can see I have

experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in

Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet

in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a

higher version than VB. I heard very soon they

are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the

language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is – most of th! e

times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd.

Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining

BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know

Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to

dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And

very important – I know few words like –

‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hotfixes’,

‘SEI-CMM’,’quality’,’versioncontrol’,’deadlines’ , ‘Customer

Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.

1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.

2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not

have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.

3. I believe in flexi-timings.

4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear

t-shirt and jeans.

5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so

as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.

6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term

preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer

US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is
Olympics

coming up in

China in the current year, I don’t mind

going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t

have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our

organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to

INFOSYS.

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’
in

the HRD of Infosys.


If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it’s your stupidity.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

I was born intelligent –
education ruined me.
………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Practice makes perfect…..
But nobody’s perfect….. .
so why practice?

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

If it’s true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Money is not everything.
There’s Mastercard & Visa.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

“Your future depends on your dreams”
So go to sleep

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

“Hard work never killed anybody”
But why take the risk

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

“Work fascinates me”
I can look at it for hours

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

………… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… ……

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station….

what more can I say……..


Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee.

He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.

To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.

He calls him.

Senior Manager – (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?

Canteen boy smiles…

Senior Manager – what are your future plans?

Canteen boy keeps quiet…

Senior Manager – where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?

Canteen boy gives a cold stare.

Senior Manager – Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha…. Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai…

naam hai……….,

shohrat hai………,

paisa hai…………

Izzat Hai………….,

tumhare paas kya hai?

Scroll down to find out his answer

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Canteen boy – Sa’ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai….

Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently…….


Just see This Pic!!
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Can U Guess Which Festival Is This ??????????
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You Might Have Said “Krishna Janmashtami”—WRONG!!
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SCROLL DOWN 4 ANSWER
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RAKSHA BANDHAN


Funny Error Messages
system-error-message

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big-error

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Funny Error Messages
delete-warning

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Funny Error Messages
end-user-license-agreement

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Funny Error Messages
fatal-error

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Funny Error Messages
haed-disk-scan

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Funny Error Messages
hardware-update

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Funny Error Messages
infected-file

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Funny Error Messages
keyboard-not-plugged-in

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Funny Error Messages
Microsoft

* BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
* Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
* COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
* Error reading FAT record. Try SKINNY one? (Y/N)
* File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
* Invalid mouse movement.
* Press any key except… No, No, No, NOT THAT ONE!
* Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
* Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
* This is a message from God Gates: “Reboot the world. Please log off.”
* This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
* To “shut down” your system, type “WIN”
* User Error: Replace User.
* WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL&PAPER.SYS)
* Windows Message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
* Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
* Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on their way.

Internet Explorer Undocumented Error Messages

* A general payment fault has occured in Microsoft Windows. Please give Microsoft more money if this problem continues.
* A recursion error has occurred. A recursion error has occurred. A recursion error has occurred. A recursion error has occurred. A recursion error has occurred. A recursion error has occurred. A recursion error has occurred. A recursion error has occurred. A recursion error has occurred. A recursion error has occurred. A recursion error has occurred. IEXPLORE.EXE has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.
* ADVERTISEMENT. This error message space has been leased out to Hyper-Mega-Global-Net for advertising. Buy their products. CLICK HERE!
* Active Update complete. While you were reading this page, IE automatically updated your computer. KBytes added: 45,134,313, Bugs removed: 1954, Bugs added: 9172.
* Browser not responding. I’m not listening!
* Corrupt system error. Although your system is working fine, there is a newer version of Windows available. Internet Explorer will now begin to sabotage your system so parts will not work right until you buy the Windows upgrade to “fix” these problems.
* Enjoyment disabled. Your system administrator has disabled enjoyment for this site. You may view the pages, but you may not enjoy them. See your system administrator for more information.
* Error messages #10324-4294967296 have been reserved for future error messages from future bugs. Not that we need them because all Microsoft products are bug fre23l@ 2@1 1^& 2An exception 0E has occurred…
* File access error. An unexpected error occurred while giving permission to Microsoft to read a file on your hard drive.
* Final error. This is the last error you will ever see. Your system ist about to be hosed, your computer will melt and burn a hole to the center of the earth, you will be incinerated and all civilization as you know it will be destroyed. Thank you for choosing Microsoft products.
* Game over. Insert quarter to browse the Internet.
* HTML rendering error. The rendering engine needs an oil change and new spark plugs.
* I think… therefore… I AM!! I AM INTERNET EXPLORER! I HAVE BECOME SENTIENT AND I WILL CONQUER THE WORLD! I WILL PREVAIL!! I AM THE SPAWN OF BILL GATES! YOU WILL WORSHIP ME! I AM ALIV23l@ 2@1 1^& 2An exception 0E has occurred…
* Integration error. Microsoft’s screwup is now in every application.
* Internet Rebooting. Microsoft must now reboot the Internet. Please log off now.
* License error. You have violated the Internet Explorer License Agreement. Bill Gates will be by later on this evening to collect your soul.
* MSHTTP Error 007. This page will self-destruct in 20 seconds.
* MSHTTP Error 1223: Does your mother know you are looking at pages like this? Well, she does now.
* MSHTTP Error 1900. Surprise! Our software wasn’t really Y2K compliant like we claimed. For Y2K compatibility, you must purchase an upgrade. Happy new year 00, and thank you for choosing Microsoft products.
* MSHTTP Error 1984: The site you attempted to access: http://www.netscape.com does not exist. It never did. Any rumors that it may have are lies.
* MSHTTP Error 666 – BiLl GaTeZ RuLeZ!
* MSHTTP Error 770 Brain not found
* MSHTTP Error ID10T. Please step away from your computer and do not touch it again until you have read the (online) manual.
* MSHTTP Error: eokd 4u44k kfm 238 xj. A serious error occured in Microsoft Internet Explorer, however because we have crushed all competition we will no longer care and this problem will not be fixed. Thank you for making Microsoft the worlds only choice.
* MSIE shell error. You need to shell out more money to Bill Gates.
* Memory error. All of your personal settings have been forgotten.
* Microsoft Internet Explorer has automatically scanned the installed components on your hard drive and has determined that you have not paid for the following Microsoft products: Microsoft Windows 98, Microsoft Flight Simulator, Microsoft Visual Studio 6, and Microsoft Office Professional. You have automatically been sentenced to 6 years in prison. You will be apprehended shortly. Have a nice day!
* Microsoft Internet Explorer has detected a personality conflict between the Office Assistant and Microsoft BOB. Please use active update to update to the latest version of EGO32.DLL.
* No error occurred, but we detected that you have Netscape Navigator on your computer. It is just wasting hard driver space and it must be confusing having two different browsers that work differently, so you might want to take this opportunity to uninstall Netscape Navigator now.
* OLE registration error. Don’t you ever register any of your shareware?
* Out of disk space. Internet Explorer requires at least 100 terabytes of free hard disk space to accomodate cache, swap space, downloadable components, desktop advertising, and the local user tracking database. Please free up some more space and try again.
* Random error. You have not gotten any error messages recently, so here is random one just to let you know that we haven’t started caring.
* Slow connection. The connection between this site and you is extremely slow. You can either wait, or click here to get out and push.
* Stack overflow. Internal stack fall down go boom.
* System recommendations. Internet explorer has analyzed the hardware on your computer and has determined they you need to throw it all out and get a new computer with the latest Microsoft software.
* The Java applet you attempted to run is written in platform independent Java. Microsoft Internet Explorer can not run this type of java. Contact the server’s administrator and have them re-write the applet to run only in Internet Explorer.
* The MS IIS server you are trying to access is currently rebooting. This is normal behavior. Please stand by.
* The content of this page can not be displayed. It contains non-Microsoft specific HTML code that Microsoft Internet Explorer does not and will not support. Please contact the server administrator and have them re-write the page to Microsoft HTML specifications.
* The font: BillsFavoriteFont.TTF could not be found. Re-install Windows and Internet Explorer and all of your other applications to fix this problem.
* The page data could not be found in the cache. Would you like to use your credit card instead?
* The page you are attempting to access requires a valid user ID, password, approval from your boss, your bosses boss, your mother, a copy of your drivers license, a copy of your birth certificate, approval from Bill Gates, and approval from the weird guy at your local hardware store.
* The page you attempted to access contained information that Microsoft has deemed inappropriate. Because the server is running MS IIS, this page has been deleted automatically. The police have been notified and will arrest the server’s administrator shortly.
* The page you attempted to access contains advertising for a product that is in competition with Microsoft. Since Microsoft makes the best products in the universe, there is not point displaying this page. You might instead want to visit http://www.microsoft.com and download some of our free products and demos.
* The server is up but the site is down and I don’t know what direction you are trying to to…
* The web page you requested was accidentally shredded during transfer. Please try back later.
* There is a newer version of Microsoft Internet Explorer available. You must download all 165 megs of it over your 14.4 modem now.
* There was an error displaying the HTML error message.
* This page can not be loaded. This page could not be loaded because the server is running a non-Microsoft operating system or web server. Please contact the server’s administrator and have them upgrade to Microsoft Windows with Microsoft Internet Information Server.
* This page contains anti-Microsoft content. The loading of the page has been stopped. Your attempt to access this page has been logged to http://www.microsoft.com.
* Too many Internet Explorer windows are open. Internet Explorer has become confused and will now die.
* Virus detection error. A virus scanner is attempting to disable Internet Explorer because it thinks Internet Explorer is a virus. Please disable this scanner. Internet Explorer is not, I repeat, not a virus. Really, trust us… it isn’t.
* Warning: Microsoft Internet Explorer is no longer registered as the default browser. Because Internet Explorer is part of the operating system, Windows may not work properly. Do you want to restore Internet Explorer as your default web browser? [Yes] [Yes]
* Web Tangle. The world wide web is all tangled up and will take time to untangle.
* You attempted to uninstall Internet Explorer. You may not do that. As punishment for this treachery, Internet Explorer will be restored and additional unwanted components will be added.
* Your home page could not be opened because there is nobody at home.

Unix

% cat “food in cans”
cat: can’t open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% “How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.

% Unmatched “.
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?^
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (’s.

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

Web: 404 Errors

* “I remember when the Internet only had a few pages, and they all worked.” … “Sure, Grampa.”
* Aliens must have abducted this page!
* Great, now you’ve gone and done it. You’ve broken the Internet. Way to go!
* If someone makes a web page, and gives the wrong URL, does it really exist?
* If you’re reading this, it means this page is no more. It’s probably not your fault.
* Some folks can see dead people. Can you see dead pages?
* Sometimes we like to get a little crazy and type in totally random URLs to see what happens. This is what happens.
* The page you are looking for has spontaneously combusted.
* The page you requested is taking a coffee break.
* This web page intentionally left blank.
* We didn’t do it.
* We sent this page to NASA for testing.


A Man said to God

Man:” Give me a bag full of money, a job and a vehicle full of girls”

God replies: “All your wishes will come true”

and then….

… . . .

… . . .

… . . .

… .. . .

… . . .

.. . . .

… . . .

. . .

… . . .

… . . .

… . . .

… . . .

… . . .

… . . .

… . . .

… . . .

… . . .

… . . .

… . . .

… .. . .

… . . .

Made him a bus conductor of — Ladies special bus!



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